Flying

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Silver_Shiney
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Flying

#1

Post by Silver_Shiney »

Having now done a handful of cruises and several overseas flights, I’ve come to realise that, although the security procedures for boarding are just as rigorous at dock as they are at an airport, the former is far less intrusive and I believe cruising is a far more civilised way of going on holiday. Not only that, but flying is not natural. Come on, if God intended us to fly, He’d have created us with wings.

Think about it. You’re getting into a hollow metal tube with wings on it, and letting a complete stranger take you to heights of 37,000 feet at speeds in excess of 500 mph. I worry about this. The last time I had to fly, I said to my vicar, “Si, I’m worried about this”. He said, “There’s no need to worry about anything, you’re not going anywhere until it’s your time.” I thought “But what if it’s the pilot’s time?” You’re standing there in heaven and St Peter walks past and says “What the heck are you doing here?” “Well, I’m with him, my pilot”.

You settle into your seat and the cabin staff start waving their arms about to point out the exits. What they’re really saying is “Okay, if I don’t get out, none of you do!”

They say things that are supposed to make you feel better. Things like, “In case of emergency, please fasten your seatbelt.”

“What emergency?”

“Well, we could fall out of the sky.”

Great. We’re 37,000 feet up in the air, there’s a big lump of mud underneath us called Planet Earth and you KNOW that, no matter how bad the pilot’s aim is, he’s not going to miss. It’s a great comfort to know that you’ll be strapped to the wreckage. They are going to bury you where you make the crater. If you’re flying BA, you won’t need a tombstone declaring your nationality, it’ll be right there – “British”.

It doesn’t get any better if you come down over water, either, because there are carnivorous fish waiting to eat you.

“In the case of evacuating the aircraft in the water, please reach under your seat and use the cushion as a flotation device.”

If you’ve got a belly the size of mine, you’ll need one under each armpit. You’ll hit the water looking like a sandwich. The first shark is going to say “Hey, finger food”! and gobble you right up. The second shark will come along and ask “Did that give you indigestion?” and the first shark will say “Yes, but look how much better I float!”

“In the event of cabin depressurisation, a flap in the compartment above your head will open, and an oxygen mask will drop down. Please grasp the mask in one hand, place it over your mouth and nose and use the other hand to stretch the elasticated strap over the top of your head. Pull the tube to its maximum extent to start the oxygen flow and then breathe normally.”

What they don’t tell you is that in the event of cabin depressurisation, the pilot will put the aircraft into a steep dive in order to quickly reach an altitude where you can breathe without bottled oxygen. The cabin, meanwhile, fills with a thick fog. The oxygen mask doesn’t fall straight into your lap, it obeys the laws of gravity and is hanging vertically.

So, you’re falling out of the sky in a hollow metal tube under the command of a guy named Bob, groping around in dense fog for an oxygen mask that is dangling goodness knows where, and if you do manage to find it and put it on, they expect you to breath normally! Not me, pal, I’d be panting like a lizard.

Then, you go into the toilet, and above the facility is a sign “DO NOT PUT FOREIGN OBJECTS IN THE TOILET”. What a drag. This takes all the fun out of flying for me. I like nothing better than to buy a load of souvenirs, sneak aboard a Ryanair jet and throw them all in the loo. I’m standing in the gift shop thinking “How would this look in blue water?” German beer tankard. Splash! Model of the Eiffel Tower. Splash! Dutch Edam cheese – hey! Do not put foreign objects in the toilet! Okay, British Cheddar cheese. Splash!

They give you this little paper bag. It’s in case you want to throw up. However, they don’t tell you it’s there because they know about the power of suggestion. They know that, if you can, and you have a place to, you will. So they hide it in amongst the magazines in the back of the chair in front of you, and hope that you’ll find it while you’re searching for the earphones so you can listen to the music that’s coming out of the little hole in your chair, and that when you locate it, you’ll think “If I feel airsick, I’m supposed to use this.”

Just to ensure that you don’t mistake it for anything else, they print on it in FIVE languages. Firstly, it’s in English. “For motion discomfort”. That means that, when you’re shopping down Oxford Street and your feet get tired, you can ram them in this bag.

In French: “Pour le mal de la air”. You know – les barf, les puke, les chunf. Looking for Monsieur RAAAALPH.

In German: “Für Lufrenheit”. How do you pronounce that? Just sound it out LOO fren HIIIIIT

In Spanish: “Paranos nauseas”. Why is it that Spanish always sounds so festive? Still, it should keep you out of Chiquitos for a while.

In Japanese: モーションの不快感. That's in case you want to throw up over the land of the rising sun. Toyota.

Beneath that, the most senseless, superfluous piece of advice ever – “After use, fold down top”. I’m not flying all the way to California looking down at that thinking “Wow, I didn’t think I had it in me”. You’re hardly likely to walk up the aisles showing it to the other passengers saying “Look what I did!”. “We’re going to LA, I’d like to share this experience with you.” Want to make the stewardess’ day? Ring the bell and yell “Hey, got a full one!” What’s she supposed to do with it? Those bags are made in Canada – she can’t put them in the toilet…
Alan

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wolfie
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Re: Flying

#2

Post by wolfie »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Manoverboard
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Re: Flying

#3

Post by Manoverboard »

" ... if God intended us to fly, He’d have created us with wings "

So how come I can't swim ;)
Keep smiling, it's good for your well being

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Meg 50
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Re: Flying

#4

Post by Meg 50 »

Moby - you and me both.....

S Shiney, your post was wonderful! The house was filled with shrieks of laughter
Meg
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Dennis The Menace
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Re: Flying

#5

Post by Dennis The Menace »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Romig1
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Re: Flying

#6

Post by Romig1 »

Nice one Shiney! :D

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paultheeagle
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Re: Flying

#7

Post by paultheeagle »

I enjoyed that :lol: :lol:
Up The Palace

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JenniC
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Re: Flying

#8

Post by JenniC »

Brilliants, still laughing as I start the packing.......
Jenni

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Flying

#9

Post by Not so ancient mariner »

A couple of comments if I may:

My favourite term for 'barf bags' is P&Os euphemism of 'motion discomfort' bags.

My favourite airline pre-flight safety announcement: If the engine cuts out, do not panic. The crew will do this for you.

and finally,

If God had meant us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport.

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Topic author
Silver_Shiney
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Location: Bradley Stoke

Re: Flying

#10

Post by Silver_Shiney »

Good to see you back, nsam!
Alan

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