Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Senior Second Officer
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them everyday, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question..
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever..
The angel chuckles and says,'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry Dolly,' says the angel, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them everyday, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question..
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever..
The angel chuckles and says,'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks,'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry Dolly,' says the angel, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Location: Down Souf. The civilised end of the country :)
Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Senior First Officer
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- Senior First Officer
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- Senior First Officer
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
Sorry
I carelessly forgot to post
a Tax avoidance Joke
I carelessly forgot to post
a Tax avoidance Joke
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Topic author - Commodore
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Topic author - Commodore
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
You know when you are at that stage in your marriage when, the wife says,
"Your on a promise this weekend"
And you're thinking, "I hope it's a mixed grill".
"Your on a promise this weekend"
And you're thinking, "I hope it's a mixed grill".
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- Senior First Officer
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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Topic author - Commodore
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
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Topic author - Commodore
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Topic author - Commodore
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- Commodore
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
My teacher always said not to worry about proper spelling, because we have autocorrect. And for this I am...
...infernally grapefruit!
...infernally grapefruit!
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- Ex Team Member
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
We went in the next day. His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, "I asked him to draw his familv and he drew this. Would vou mind explaining?"
"Not at all." my wife said. "Family vacation. Snorkelling off the Bahamas.
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- Commodore
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which others can only aspire.
This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Bambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when the Duke plucked a rose for the beautiful Duchess in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While he was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. the Duchess had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, the Duchess inquired of the Duke in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Bambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when the Duke plucked a rose for the beautiful Duchess in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While he was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. the Duchess had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, the Duchess inquired of the Duke in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
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- Commodore
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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'