Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

Friday morning "Morning All"
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Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#1

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It's Friday Fun Time


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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#2

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Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover.
I wonder if they’ll have Prince Andrew buried in a 15 year old Escort?

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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#4

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I've just applied for a job on the covid taskforce! They asked me "what qualifications do you have"

I said, "well I'm a parent, which means I'm very good at treating people like children, and also getting them to believe in made up fairytales. Im also trained in 1st aid so I'm very good at stitching people up"

I start tomorrow

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#5

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#6

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I saw on my hometown's Facebook page:

'Missing from the town centre area: our 3-year-old cat Tiddles (pictured). He is recently neutered, wears a collar with a bell to alert birds, and is on a vegan diet.'


I replied, 'And you're surprised he bu99ered off?'


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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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#8

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is Sternum.!"

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#9

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Mervyn and Trish wrote: 23 Apr 2021, 11:19
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is Sternum.!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap:

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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#12

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Topless protester, 55, will face court over Prince Philip's funeral stunt.
Accused of baring breasts to mourners causing 'harassment, alarm and distress, and a strange knocking sound from the coffin.

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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#15

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It was George the postman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, hash browns and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a bank note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. ‟All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, ‟But what’s the bank note for?”
‟Well,” she said, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, ’Screw him. Give him a tenner’

The breakfast was my idea.”

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

#16

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A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first, giving the rooster a pep talk. “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, and when the farmer points toward the henhouse, he takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse — three or four times. The farmer is shocked.
Later, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, and sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later still, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again — WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset, Randy is out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught — worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob — stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful — and expensive — animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.”

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Re: Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

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