Mornin All ~~~ :) ~~~

[Stephen]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,


"One...

Two…

Three…"


WHO SAYS YOU GET DAFTER AS YOU GET OLDER?


You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

[qbman1]

Up in Yorkshire

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'


The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,



'Had him circumcised...'

[Wina G]

Good to see it back!

[qbman1]

Housework is a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Martin had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Martin even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........... Martin was too tired.'

God is good

[qbman1]

Last visit to ASDA

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me”.

Making a mental note so I could complain to our Member of Parliament about this running amok PC nonsense, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless , I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

Damn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer...

[ChrisB]

Well done everyone. I always look forward to Friday mornings.

[qbman1]

One day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long
meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No, sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[kaymar]

An englishman, an american, a frenchman and a gentleman from Eastern Europe were on top of the Eiffel Tower.

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that"? Ask the others.

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it" says the American.

"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the top, saying

"we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it"

The other gentleman looks at the Englishman and says " Don't you fu**ing dare!"

[qbman1]

My Dog

I went down to the Job Centre this morning to sign up my Dog.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".

I explained to her that my Dog is unemployed, idle, can't speak English even though born here and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.



Damn this is a great country….

[Stephen]

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent bugger,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy.. . You explain the kids.'

[poole boy]

The Girl Lodger


A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

[Keechy]

Thanks all - Fridays are worth waiting for again!!

[oldbluefox]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

"You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. '

I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

[Dennis The Menace]

A grumpy old man walks into a local church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the vicar's study to inform him of her situation. The vicar agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the vicar asks the old man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won £30 million in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the vicar. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

[Stephen]

An old one I know.


Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them.

I think I'll get some for myself," grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

[qbman1]

Registry on the first day back at school.

The teacher begins calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son Al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son Al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeats the call:
"Ali Son Al En…"
A girl stands up and says timidly: "Sorry, teacher. I think that might be me. But it's pronounced Alison Allen…"

[qbman1]

I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT!!

A man walks into the council office & says to the Customer Service Officer: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a councillor ....I need some practice for becoming a member of parliament"

The receptionist replied "Certainly sir Please fill in this form."

So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question 'Are you circumcised?'

He asked the receptionist, "Is that question necessary?"

She replied "If you are circumcised you are not eligible"

He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?

She replied "Well to become a member of parliament you have to be a complete pri*k."

[The Invigilator]

Loving reading the morning all again folks a huge welcome back to this thread

[oldbluefox]

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable...


Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony


Just checked my Tesco Burgers in the fridge.....and they're off!


Prices are going through the hoof in my area.


Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar


Trouble is now people beginning to question the content of tesco's finest new extra long sausages....


New kids food found in budget supermarket ……..My lidl pony


Had a tesco burger the other day but it gave me the trots


Tesco are expecting burger sales to go down initially......but not furlong


Apparently they've now refused to name their mane supplier


Tesco PR department are having a mare !


is it a coincidence that 'hamburgers' is an anagram of Shergars Bum ?


Tesco scored highly in a recent Gallop Poll


Apparently the burgers go really well with Philly dip.

[gfwgfw]

A burnt Burger is known as a "Black Beauty"