Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

Reports about cruises on Oriana
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Suekersh
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Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#1

Post by Suekersh »

Dennis has asked me to post his reports from Oriana.

Friday 13 Sept.

Well, here we are for our 7 day cruise to Norway on the glorious Oriana, and we had a really decent run down to Southampton despite the almost constant rain this morning. In fact, I think we would have made it in record time had we not, at the exact second we got a text from a friend at P&O warning us of traffic going to the Southampton Boat Show, hit the traffic going to the boat show - doh! But, it wasn't too bad and my only real complaint was the foliage that Southampton Council seem to be growing along the quayside dual carriageway to stop cruisers rubber necking at the ships they will board minutes later anyway. By bouncing up and down at the wheel however, it was still possible to get a good, if intermittent, view of both the beautiful Oriana berthed at the Mayflower terminal and the look of surprise on the face on the white van man driving in the adjacent lane.

Anyways, we were soon onboard and Mandy was thoroughly enjoying herself unpacking our cases to Downton Abbey repeats on the in-cabin tele. Then, just as I was wondering if, rather than taking her on a luxury 7 day cruise to the fjords, she would have been equally content with the Downton DVD box set and sitting in front of the tele at home for a week, my world came crashing down - we've only forgot to pack my undies! Mand's immediate solution is that i should wear her knickers until we can buy me some shreddies in Bergen on Sunday!?! Which obviously sounds a ridiculous option until you realise that, other than going commando (and unwisely leaving "Little Den" uncaged) it is the only option. Suffice to say, I will be prising elasticated frilly bits from my a*se checks for the next 48 hours and crossing the road VERY carefully in Bergen on Sunday.

I am a little suspicious she's just hidden my underwear though as Mandy's "I have a list for every eventuality" approach to life means things are rarely forgotten. She has just also had her nose put out of joint as Domnic, our cabin steward for the second successive cruise (we were in the same cabin in April) gave me a huge bear hug of a greeting, whilst Mandy only got a respectful hand shake. It was a really touching moment actually, Domnic spotted us walking down the corridor towards him and opened his arms wide in readiness for a hug a good 30 yards before we got to him and clearly remembered us bless him. i'm sure he was just being respectful as I say, what with Mand being a lady and all, but poor old Mand didn't even get a peck on the cheek. So I think my absent Calvin Klein's, and the resulting knicker wearing, may just be some kind of sick revenge on her part. Either way dinner this evening, whilst excellent, felt a little different. A feeling of claustrophobia to strangely specific parts on my undercarriage kind of different. Not surprisingly, I gave the faggots a miss.

And on that note, and having barely mentioned cruising at all (will try harder tomorrow I promise), I will bid you all goodnight.

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#2

Post by Romig1 »

Thanks Sue.

Sounds like the Menace will be having an uncomfortable journey through the North Sea today - regardless of the sea-state! :shock:

But, he didn't mention whether Lola is having a good time...perhaps she's feeling a tad deflated? :D

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by david63 »

It's a bit worrying as to why Domnic remembered him :roll:

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Jan Rosser
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#4

Post by Jan Rosser »

I've just been laughing out loud at the report from the Menace :lol: looking forward to the next instalment :thumbup:
Janis

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#5

Post by Romig1 »

I know for certain that he's not the first bloke to "forget" his shreddies on a cruise (not me btw)....I wonder if it's little more than a subconcious decision - done in order to swing free or getting to wear ladies knickers?

PS If wearing a ladies' g-string - does one hang to the left, and one to the right? Sounds potentially lethal! :o

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#6

Post by Wina G »

Looking forward to the next report DTM, we know of another couple where the husbands undies were forgotten too ... she might even post the story :lol:

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by MicheleW »

OK - I confess it was me :oops: Easily done though ;) As we were doing a back-to-back (a 2 nighter followed by 9 nights) and had to move cabins after the weekender, I had packed some stuff in a smaller bag and the majority of it in a bigger suitcase that we wouldn't unpack until we set off on the second half. So first part was no problem, it was when we had set sail from Southampton for the second time that OH asked where his clean undies were! He managed until we got to Vigo, where our first stop was C&A!

Michele

PS. I've got more important things, like shoes to think about when it comes to packing :D

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#8

Post by Wina G »

I didn't like to name names Michele :lol:

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by Romig1 »

MicheleW wrote:
OK - I confess it was me :oops: Easily done though ;) As we were doing a back-to-back (a 2 nighter followed by 9 nights) and had to move cabins after the weekender, I had packed some stuff in a smaller bag and the majority of it in a bigger suitcase that we wouldn't unpack until we set off on the second half. So first part was no problem, it was when we had set sail from Southampton for the second time that OH asked where his clean undies were! He managed until we got to Vigo, where our first stop was C&A!

Michele

PS. I've got more important things, like shoes to think about when it comes to packing :D
Maybe next time you could pack his undies in your shoes - would help keep the shoes in shape too....

Second thoughts....nobody would need that many pairs of grundies! :lol:

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Not so ancient mariner
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#10

Post by Not so ancient mariner »

On one trip my OH omitted to pack my smart black shoes. Actually, to be fair, that's not entirely correct. She did at least pack one of them!

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by david63 »

Not so ancient mariner wrote:
On one trip my OH omitted to pack my smart black shoes. Actually, to be fair, that's not entirely correct. She did at least pack one of them!
Which meant that you had to ply at being Long John Silver :o :lol:

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by Not so ancient mariner »

david63 wrote:
Not so ancient mariner wrote:
On one trip my OH omitted to pack my smart black shoes. Actually, to be fair, that's not entirely correct. She did at least pack one of them!
Which meant that you had to ply at being Long John Silver :o :lol:

Arr.... Jim me lad, where's me parrot gone this time?

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wolfie
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#13

Post by wolfie »

Romig1 wrote:
I know for certain that he's not the first bloke to "forget" his shreddies on a cruise (not me btw)....I wonder if it's little more than a subconcious decision - done in order to swing free or getting to wear ladies knickers?

PS If wearing a ladies' g-string - does one hang to the left, and one to the right? Sounds potentially lethal! :o

We know it's not you R, you don't pack any!!!

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by Suekersh »

Day 2

Fraid I may have disgraced myself tonight but, in my defence, one of the waitresses we knew in the Welcome Aboard Party did ply me with free drinks for 40 solid minutes. It was the same waitress who seemed to think she knew Mandy earlier in the day when she offered to provide her with her "usual" Black Russian at the ungodly hour of 10.00am. Having never had a Black Russian in her life, either socially or alcoholically, Mand thinks it was a case of mistaken identity, but the lady concerned still provided me with 4 red wines and a glass of champers so I'm not complaining. That said, Mand whispered in my ear, as early as 7.10pm, that I was slurring my words and I fear I may well have talked complete and utter rubbish from that point onwards. Shame, I used to handle my drink so well when I was younger!

Anyhoos, as you might have guessed, twas an early night last night with us retiring to the cabin straight after a very good first Headliners Show. So, despite the clocks going forward last night, and us therefore losing an hour, we both felt pretty good this morning as we put away a decent breakfast courtesy of room service. Alas it was mid-morning before we vacated the cabin to find the atrium full of the lengthy duty free queue taking advantage of this mornings "extra 15% off" offer. That's ok, we've no pressing need for owt so happily went without.

Weather wise it was dry but very windy today and, although nothing too major movement wise, it's been very much a day to be indoors. The wind is actually a head wind so our arrival in Bergen tomorrow will be delayed until lunch time, which could complicate our plans to meet up with our friends that live there, but I suspect that's partly due to Captain David Pembridge slowing the ship slightly to keep things comfortable for everyone. I've been on ships where he has opted to do that before and, personally, I'm all for it, especially as we have a large number of first timers onboard this cruise.

For us, I'm glad to say, today was a day just to relax and unwind and, in Mandy's case, that meant mellowing out in the Spa having a full wax and polish (or whatever you girls get done in there). Or at least she did until some numpty left his key card in the cabin and was forced to break two key rules, namely - first rule of Spa day (don't interrupt spa day) and second rule of spa day (don't even think about breaking the first rule of Spa day). Fortunately for me, it was but a brief interlude to her sack, back and crack treatment (?), and I made it up to her later on by accompanying her to the movie. It was called Quartet, was very good and full of really good, mostly elderly, actors few of whom i had seen in quite a while. Indeed, so elderly was the sizeable cast list, they did well to get through filming without fatality I reckon. Good film though and, at 98 minutes, not so long that the wife's knickers you're wearing start to feel like cheese wire.

Then tonight we had our first formal night and Captain's Welcome Aboard Party which was good. There were a few fellas who's idea of formal wear is wearing ankle length trousers, but they made an effort I think, and it's good to see demand for patent leather trainers finally taking off. But the main thing is Mandy, who always looks forward to the formal nights, and had had the spa place various fruits and vegetables on her face for a large part of the day in preparation, looked absolutely stunning. I on the other hand, whilst fully meeting both dress, and membership of the Paul Potts Lookey-Likey Club, requirements was more focused on the free champers and plonk rouge :-)

Then, rather than risk the comedian being anywhere near as bad as every single one we have ever seen on a cruise ship, we followed another excellent dinner with a few drinks in Tiffany's. As luck would have it, Claire, the resident pianist we enjoyed so much in April, rejoined Oriana yesterday too, and provided the perfect accompaniment to my alcohol induced progression from tipsy to pretty damn bladdered. Maybe it's just as well our arrival in Bergen is delayed after all.

So Bergen it is tomorrow, fingers crossed its dry.

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#15

Post by Jan Rosser »

Classic Dennis :crazy: :clap: :lol:
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#16

Post by rogerrovers »

Interesting and funny reviews. Many thanks DTM.

Jenny.

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by Suekersh »

Fjord Old Times Sake. Another installment from DTM

Day 3 - Bergen.
On our delayed arrival in a dry but cloudy Bergen we were immediately met by our friends Jules and Thomas (and their two boys, Marcus and Dominic) and whisked off to their home in a suburb of Bergen for some lunch. That meant driving straight up a huge mountain, down the other side and passing fjord after fjord until we got to the particular one on which their house is situated in a place called Lysekloster. It is a truly stunning place to live and we spent a lovely afternoon catching up and feeding our faces in their lovely Nordic style home. So enjoyable was it in fact, and the afternoon shot by so fast, that we came dangerously close to missing Oriana's final boarding time. But we just about made it onboard in time.

As it happens, we needn't have worried as, on boarding, we were immediately advised that Oriana was now staying in port until 10pm. This was because, rather than sail the regulation minimum 12 miles out to sea tonight, that cruise ships must go in between ports, the Captain had obtained permission from the authorities to take a much shorter, closer to shore route, thus avoiding a nasty overnight storm currently brewing further out. So, a much shorter, and calmer, route for us tonight which also effectively doubled the amount of time we got in port today. I'm not sure many took advantage of that as, by then, the rain had arrived and, for me personally, the excesses of last night were fast catching up with me, but hats off to the Captain again for going above and beyond to ensure the comfort of his passengers.

The only slight downside of today is that we still haven't seen much of Bergen, and it's world heritage site harbour. But our priority on both our visits here now has been to see our friends. We did see bits from the car as we drove by, and both the Bryggen (old harbour) and the King's "castle" looked great in very different ways, but we'll be back for sure. And Jules' suggestion that we do a Bryggen based pub crawl next time, should then tick the tourist box as well as the catching up with old friends one.

Tomorrow we are in Flam (pronounced Flom) and we have tickets for the highly recommended Flam railway excursion. Sadly, it's predicted to rain until late morning, by which time we should be at the top, so keep your fingers crossed that the rain stops at the right time and we get the full benefit of those amazing views.

Oh and before I go, you'll be pleased to hear my underwear miraculously appeared today after Mandy "found" my six missing pairs in an, apparently, previously unchecked pocket of our luggage. Funny that, I could have sworn I checked there! Minx !!

Night all.


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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#18

Post by The Monocled Mutineer »

DTM:

Amusing review. Have to say I am somewhat puzzled about the recent trend to include Norway cruises in September given the equinoctial weather associated with September.

~~~

Packing is a quasi-military logistical process at Chez Kane, the process starting about 4 weeks before departure.

A mnemonic technique I use is to think head to toe and list all types of required items and the elements that make them up times the number of nights. Also don't pack what you plan to wear on embarkation day! Been there, done it, didn't wear the 't-shirt'.

Head: hats, bandanas, glasses, sun glasses, monocle, lorgnette, binoculars.

Body: shirts, cuff-links, t-shirts, deck "suits", ties, formal wear, other suits, other jackets/blazers, UNDERWEAR.

Legs: shorts, day trousers, co-ordinated trousers for jackets/blazers, swimwear,belts.

Feet: socks, sandals, pumps, other day shoes, formal shoes, other evening shoes.

Toiletries: shaving (gel/blades), shampoo & conditioner, after shave moisturiser, toothpaste and electric brush, dental picks, fragrance.

Medicines: Prescription (if on one), Nurofem+, Alka Seltzer XS, Rennies, Piriton, Stugeron, Zovirax.

Other topical items: sun screen, after sun, lip balm, plasters.

Other items: champagne re-sealer, brooches and badges, instant shoe shine, dress watches, phone charger, short plug extension, combs

~~~

On the day: passports, e-ticket, insurance folder, wallet (money, debit/credit cards), European e-card (health care shoreside), charged mobile.
TMM

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#19

Post by MicheleW »

I shall refer to your 'list' when starting my packing over the next few weeks MM and hope not to make the same mistake again. :)

Michele

PS. Think it might be divorce if it happens again :lol:

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#20

Post by Dancing Queen »

Pleased to hear the "underduds" have turned up DTM, the vision of you in Mand's underwear didn't bear thinking about, well yes it did :lol: :lol:

Take note for next time and do as TMM suggests lists, lists, lists ..... worth their weight in gold !!
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

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Post by Suekersh »

DTM UPDATE

Thanks Fjord the Memories


Day 4 - Flam

A wet old day in Flam today but that train ride up the mountain turned out to be the perfect excursion for such a soggy day. Well, ok, we did get wet during the 5 minute walk to and from the railway station, and during the 5 minute stop off half way up at the Kjos Waterfall, but the latter especially was well worth it, totes amaze balls. The rest of the 2 hour journey was spent in the dry and warmth of the our carriage and we saw some stunning sights unimpaired by rain, mist or cloud. It was great, and I've realised I'm really starting to love Norway. It's not that I ever disliked it, just that I'm really warming to the place. In fact, with all the smoked fish and meat balls I've had this cruise, I think I may be turning into a Scandinavian. I'm not quite at the point where i would change my name Sven, drive a Volvo and wear big, elaborately patterned jumpers made out of Bjorn Borg's beard, but give it time. One things for sure though, that ride up the mountain today was ace.

The trip back down wasn't quite as enjoyable due to two very loud ladies who decided they would regale the whole carriage with stories of such mind numbing tedium, I was ready to throw myself under the very train we were travelling in. At one point, they announced that the people in the next cabin to them had the temerity to knock on their door last night to ask them to keep their voices down. The irony of our whole carriage, and very possibly the carriages either side of us, hearing every word of this story, such was their decibel level, was totally lost on them. I lasted about a third of the journey down before I tore my excursion ticket in two, screwed the two halves into balls and then, very visibly, shoved one in each ear. It did the trick nicely.

After a relaxing afternoon onboard, we got ready nice and early for tonight's 70's themed evening and had some pre-dinner drinks in Tiffany's. i'm afraid that, other than my existing 70's style chest hair and medallion, we didn't really look the part dress wise but, courtesy of now having had my undies returned to me, I was at least able to partake in spirit by carefully selecting a pair of C&A towelling Y-fronts, circa 1978. But few, if anyone else, dressed up either and the best bit of 70's night by far was a fella called Steve Larkin, who provided us with a brilliant, and very funny, Freddy Mercury tribute act. He was fantastic. Although I hope for his sake those teeth were fake. And then finally, we ended up watching the semi-regular Abba themed show from the Headliners which is always good. A really good day.

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Meg 50
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#22

Post by Meg 50 »

isn't the answer to a noisy conversation to join in?

particularly in the confidential bits!
Meg
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The Monocled Mutineer
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#23

Post by The Monocled Mutineer »

Are they still trotting out Queen and Abba tribute acts... ?

Now I know why I hardly go to the shows ...

Perhaps the Classic FM theme this Friday will offer up some hope from this Friday (Oriana 20/9) ... but, judging by their radio output its all pretty "safe" and mainstream.
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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#24

Post by Suekersh »

More from DTM

Fjord the Love of God

Day 5 - Olden

A lovely sunny day today in Olden on the beautiful Nordfjord, with temperatures hitting a balmy 16 degrees. Or at least they did at sea level. But, I can assure you it was a lot cooler than that at the Birksdal Glacier at 9.30am, with a wind so bracing it brought tears to your eyes. Due to my slight mobility issues (I.e. lazy arsed missus) we had opted to do the glacier via a Troll Car. That effectively meant a 15 mile coach drive along the picturesque Nordfjord Valley (which, in itself, was well worth the visit here), a steep and winding 10 minute drive in the Troll Car (basically a 6 man, open jeep with just a roll bar to protect you from the elements) and then an even steeper final 15 mins on foot. Other than them both involving mountains, you really couldn't get much different from yesterday's Flam railway excursion, but it was just as enjoyable despite the cold.

The Troll cars themselves were good fun and, at one point, we crossed a bridge so close to a huge waterfall, that we actually drove through it's spray. And if that didn't wake us up, the wind we encountered shortly afterwards certainly did - whenever we turned in a certain direction, this amazingly strong wind came straight off the glacier and literally took our breath away. We should have guessed really as, whilst we were all dressed in coats and scarves, the Troll Car drivers were dressed for an Arctic Winter. However, we seemed in better nick than the other (walking the 45 minutes each way) excursion, as some of them were dressed just in jumpers and still had a long trek ahead of them. But it was all worth it, everything looked spectacular and the green and white colouring of the glacier looked almost like a scoop of Mint Swirl ice cream had just been lumped on top of the mountain.

Alas, almost as soon as we got there, it was time to come back, which is probably just as well as Mandy was rejecting all my invitations to join the Glacier High Club (in my mind, the Nordic equivalent of the Mile High Club). Or at least I think it was Mandy as all the ladies were feeling the cold so much by this point that their coats and scarves were covering everything except their eyes. But anyway, someone turned me down, and so we trounced back to the coach park cafe for much needed coffee and cake. Our guide, Colleen, then ensured an entertaining and informative coach drive back past some amazing scenery, the higher parts of which had been dusted with the first snow of winter just yesterday. Colleen was great actually. Being Irish born, brought up in New Zealand before marrying a Welshman and living in Olden for 30 years, accent wise she was one hell of a mix, and occasionally sounded like the Swedish chef from the muppets, but a really nice lady.

After lunch and a snooze we went back ashore to re-explore Olden itself, which didn't seem quite as sleepy as the last time we were here 3 years ago. It is still a stunning mixture of colours and scenery though, with the Nordfjord itself stretching as far as the eye can see, and appearing to be surrounded on all sides by lush green valley and those snow dusted mountain. Not to mention the dozens of gorgeous little wooden houses spread around on all sides. It's a really special place.

Then tonight it was 60's and 70's theme night. Yes I know, I thought it was last night - which would have made more sense given the entertainment on offer yesterday - but no, it was tonight, and a good number dressed up. For me, I had to rely on my ageing underwear collection again and so my lucky 1973 Scooby Doo pants enabled me to join in, albeit in spirit only. However, having climbed every bleeding mountain in Norway these last few days, or that's how it feels, I'm totally knackered and so, after a very brief nightcap I'm off to bed.

Stavanger tomorrow. Night all.

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Re: Dennis the Menace on Oriana to the Fjords

#25

Post by kaymar »

Thanks for passing these on, Sue, but you really don't need to get up at 4 in the morning to do so.

Don't know if you're looking in, little stripey one, but if you are, thank you as ever for the most interesting, well written and amusing cruise reports we have the pleasure of reading. We have not "done" the fiords but it is now sounding much more attractive.

Keep wrapped up!

:wave: :thumbup:

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